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The US needs to give the Statue of Liberty back.

{ July 12, 2009 @ 7:24 am } · { Uncategorized }
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For those of you who are not aware, our beloved symbol of freedom was a gift from France. According to what I remember of my American history class, France gave it to us on our (America’s) 100th birthday.

I have to admit, it’s a pretty sweet gift. I don’t even want to know how they managed to get it over here and assemble it. The people of France were really psyched about our budding relationship, and since the idea of a “love fern” had yet to be popularized by the unstoppable force of Kate Hudson, they gave us a lady statue. 

While at the time, we thought it was a gift of “friendship,” in hindsight I’m fully willing to ascertain that the gift was actually a love trinket. I mean, the official story is that it was a gift wrought of the close bond France and the US formed during our glorious revolution. I am not fooled.

Basically what went down was that in our time of need, we flirted with the class nerd (France). We used the nerd’s skills to help us on the final exam to move onto the next grade level (independence), all the while leading the nerd to believe that not only did we like him, but we liked him liked him. But we never actually intended to go out with him, and once the project was over, we still accepted an expensive birthday gift. What a bitch America is.

Also, I should point out that this is clearly a “I’m getting some later tonight” gift. Not only is Lady Liberty basically in a sheet, she’s holding a phallic love torch, suitable for fanning the flame of passion, and her little scroll has a romantic poem on it. What could be more of a panty-dropper than:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” ?

Sex-ay. Let’s just throw some Barry White-worthy bass lines in there, light a few scented candles and it is a perfect evening. 

Of course, we got through the honeymoon stage of our relationship quite some time ago. In fact, we have had quite the on-again, off-again relationship. But it hasn’t been good for a while now, and I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit that we’re not just on a break. We’re over. We’ve moved on. Did you see the way Michelle Obama hugged the Queen earlier this year? I think it’s pretty clear that the US and GB are back on.

Hell, we might even move in together. At the very least, we’re going to have joint custody of one of those new Obama Chia pets. And hey, we’re progressive, we’re into open relationships. So before you know it, we’re going to have a full social calendar with dates from Canada, Australia, Russia – you get the drift. I mean, look at the progress we made on Governor Sanford’s goodwill missions to Argentina.

But for our new relationships to flourish, we need to get rid of our Lady Liberty and stick a gift from the new suitors up in its place. It’s simple. If you get remarried, are you going to expect your new hubby to put up with that boob-tattoo of your old one’s name? Nope. At the very least, he’s going to make you stop wearing low cut shirts and possibly ask you to call him “Ralph” in bed. And we need to be willing to do that for our new friends with benefits.

It’s time to break out the ex-boyfriend box and make some room, or maybe get a really big DHL envelope and save up for international shipping. Because the US needs to give the Statue of Liberty back.

Your favorite songs are secretly scandalous.

{ October 13, 2008 @ 4:50 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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The original title for this entry? Your favorite songs are secretly dirty. But I realized that this title left out one of my favorite scandalous songs. SO I decided to switch it up a bit. 

I know what you’re thinking, there’s no way that my favorite song is secretly scandalous. And I’ll be honest, if your favorite song is a hymn or a concerto, then you’re right, it’s not.  So you two groups of music-lovers are safe. Congratulations. Now for the rest of you. I’ll prove that some of the most popular and innocent-seeming songs are scandalous, even children’s songs. In fact, the children’s songs I’m intending on using are fairly obvious. I’ll start with them.

Children’s Songs
Song #1: Puff the Magic Dragon
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.
A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

This song is about smoking pot. If you don’t know this already, God help you. And actually, it’s kind of sweet and nostalgic, because if you think about it, it’s pretty much about how eventually high schoolers and college students will have to grow out of their pot-smoking hippie stage and grow up to become Republican warriors against drugs. It’s almost like they’re stabbing their best friend in the back when all their best friend ever did was take them on wild and crazy adventures. Luckily, stupid people will continue to reproduce, and so there will always be plenty of teens and Greek students to hang out with poor ol’ Puff.

Song #2: I’ll Make A Man Out Of You
Tranquil as a forest but on fire within
Once you find your center, you are sure to win
You’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot
And you haven’t got a clue
Somehow I’ll make a man out of you 

I have to start by saying that I love this song. I will belt it out driving down the highway, just so long as I’m going too fast for anyone in any of the other cars to hear. I mean, Donny Osmond rocks my face off in this song. But let’s look over these lyrics, and then consider the context. Glance back up at them, yeah. On fire within? Once you find your center? Oh Donny, how many times did you have to record this to get a usable track that you’re not busting into laughter during? Because for reals, yo. Out of context this is hella dirty. Even IN context, when we’re talking about the fact that they’re all army men, and that they’re doing some “manly bonding” activities without women around? Yeah. Disney, thank you. Thank you for this song that is hilariously scandalous on so many levels.

Jazz
Song #3: Let’s Do It
Cold Cape Cod clams, ‘gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it – Waiter bring me
“shad roe”
In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love 

I adore this song. I think it’s fairly self-explanatory, which is why I picked it to follow the Children’s songs. If not, then I’ll help you out with a little visual. I performed this particular song at my junior year recital, staged as though I was getting ready to go out for the evening. At one point, I’m in a “bathtub” singing the verses above and winking at the audience of parents. The rest of the performance is spent in front of the mirror in a bathrobe, putting on make-up. Winner. 

Soundtrack
Song #4: Run and Tell That! and Ladies’ Choice
The blacker the berry
The sweeter the juice
I could say it ain’t so
But darlin’, what’s the use?
The darker the chocolate
The richer the taste

Hey little girl take me off the shelf
‘Cause it’s hard having fun playing with yourself
Once you’ve browsed through the whole selection
Shake those hips in my direction
A prettier package you never did see
Take me home then unwrap me

We’ll start with Run and Tell That!. I adore this song for so many reasons. The number one reason is that Seaweed is freaking adorable. The number two reason is that it’s about “jungle fever.” Basically they’re saying that black men are better in bed – or more literally that they taste better, knowing cough – than white men. I don’t know whether that’s true or not first hand, but I have to admit that they generally ARE better dancers. The song doesn’t try to hide the message behind much, which is delightful considering all the Disney Channel/Nickelodeon stars involved. They might as well have added the phrase “once you go black, you never go back.” Poor little Amanda Bynes had no chance.

If Run and Tell That! was a thinly veiled message, pretty boy Zac Ephron’s Ladies’ Choice song isn’t veiled at all. It’s out there. He might as well be singing on a street corner looking like a hot trannie mess, because it’s 100% obvious that he’s saying he sells himself to women. My favorite part is that they go where few songs have gone before: into the forbidden realm of female masturbation. And there are plenty of girls in America who would love to unwrap Mr. Ephron. Just check out next week’s Entertainment and his photo layout.

Song #5: Amazing Mayzie and How Lucky You Are
And he told me 
What sort of a pill I should take… 
Now I’m …… 
Amayzing Mayzie! 
As feathered as feathered can be now! 
Amayzing Mayzie! 
It was all for sale! 
It was three weeks of bliss. 
Then the usual segue: 
He flew off to San Juan 
Leaving me with this egg!
Tell yourself 
How lucky you are! 

So basically, the first song is talking about Mazie wanting to look her best in order to…what’s the phrase? Give a guy a hummer? Yeah, and so she succumbs to the Hollywood pressures to get fixed up by a doctor and his miracle pill. Fabulous. No fake boobs for her, just the sexy, sexy feathers. Way to go, Seussical. You’re like Barbie for birds. But unfortunately for Mazie, her life isn’t as picture perfect as the real Barbie, because there’s no Ken doll in the picture to take care of the baby. He exited stage left once they finished playing their pelvic pinochle game…okay, so he came back for rematch after rematch but then bolted after  three weeks. Turns out Mazie may have won the battle but lost the not-being-preggers war. And another single mother is born. Anyone else feel like this is the true story of the mom-bird in Are You My Mother?.

Country
Song #6: She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney
She thinks my tractor’s sexy 
It really turns her on 
She’s always staring at me 
While I’m chuggin along 
She likes the way it’s pullin’ while we’re tillin’ up the land 
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my farmer’s tan 
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me 
She thinks my tractor’s sexy

Okay, so obviously, there’s the whole “sexy tractor” thing. And you’re thinking, what the hell – girl I don’t even know her name – this isn’t work. I expected better. And so you should. But I think that perhaps you’re missing some of the delightful agri-rotica that is in this particular song. I mean, him driving a tractor seems a little like a game of hide-the-pickle. Tilling up the land = plowing, for you city folk. And what do frat boys mean when they say they plowed some girl last night? That’s right. Let’s not pretend that these people are talking about love, it’s all about knockin’ boots.

Song #7: Last Name by Carrie Underwood
We left, the club, right around 3 o’clock in the morning
His Pinto, sitting there, in the parking lot, well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So, I’ll blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

This one is more about the SINGER masquerading as wholesome rather than the song. Carrie Underwood worked her way into America’s heart by being that smiling southern belle who could bring any Southern Baptist worth their salt to tears with her mega-hit “Jesus Take The Wheel” on American Idol. But really, she’s nothing but a huge sell-out in one way or another. Because either she’s a good Christian Girl who wrote this whore song about shtooping some guy she just met to appease sexually active teens, or she’s actually just a huge slut that tapped into the religious market to win America’s votes. I’m hoping it’s the second one. That’s just better. But then again, who really knows the last names of the men that they meet anyway?

Oldies
Song #8: Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations
Why do you build me up (Build me up) 
Buttercup baby just to 
let me down (Let me down) 
And mess me around 

Ah, The Foundations. I’m so glad to know that they gave every man in the 60s a song to point to, as if to say, “See? Blue balls DO exist. Now let’s do it.” Guys. Seriously. If you’re going to date a tease, then just go ahead and bring along a portable cold shower. BUT IT’S THE FREAKING SIXTIES. If you’re that desperate to get laid, just score some pot and go hang out on the quad. Some nice hippie girl will come along and ask you to help her express her sexual freedom.

Song #9: Jump For My Love by The Pointer Sisters
Can feel it in your heart beat
I know you like what you see
Hold me, I’ll give that you need
Wrap your love around me
You’re so excited, I can feel you
Getting hotter, oh baby
I’ll take you down, I’ll take you down
Where no one’s ever gone before

These ladies know they’re hot, and they know you want them. This is a song all about the foreplay. The next time that you’re trying to convince some fine young man to join you for a roll in the hay, why don’t you try, “C’mere, baby. Wrap your love around me,” with plenty of eyebrow wiggles. Just make sure that you wait until the appropriate temperature, don’t let him get too hott, or it’ll all be ruined, which means that you won’t even get a chance to take him down. He’ll do it himself. And unless The Pointer Sisters were huge Captain Kirk fans, I’m pretty sure that place where no one’s ever gone before is a sexual reference. The possibilities for what specifically it is are endless. 

Rock
Song #10: Hash Pipe by Weezer
I cant help my feelings, Ill go out of my mind
These players come to get me cause theyd like my behind
I cant love my business if I cant get a trick
Down on santa monica where tricks are for kids
Oh, come on and kick me
Oh, come on and kick me
Come on and kick me
Youve got your problems
Ive got my ass wipe
Youve got your big cheese
Ive got my hash pipe
I cant help my boogies they get out of control
I know that you dont care but I want you to know
The knee-stocking flavor is a favorite treat
Of men that dont bother with the taste of a teat 

Well first of all, before we even delve into the lyrics, there’s the fact that Weezer has freely admitted that the song was inspired by a male transvestite prostitute from Santa Monica. Winner, right? Now, reading through this, it’s obvious what they’re talking about. Men paying other men to shtup them. The trick to fooling the general public in this song was a trick employed by rappers and hip hop artists worldwide: making your lyrics indiscernible. I’m pretty sure that if 75% of the high school boys rocking out to this song every day know what it was about, they’d break their guitars and vow never to play again. Which is why this blog is a public service announcement for today.

Song #11: Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose

If you’ve ever only heard one Journey song, I’d bet my firstborn child that it’s this one. For real, I kind of hate babies, it’s yours. And that only makes it more delightful that people run around with this song stuck in their head all day. Because while it might at first glance seem to be an inspirational song, it’s really just about a crackwhore and a gambler. I’d like to think that the message is that these two creatures can pull themselves out of the gutter, but there’s always the possibility that the message is: you can win a lot of money off this guy and then buy this girl to celebrate. Even if it’s the benevolent message, it’s still scandalous, which makes it the perfect song for political campaigns. 

Remakes
Song #12: Gin and Juice – The Gourds
As I take me a drink to the middle of the street
And get to mackin to this bitch named sadie (sadie? )
She used to be the homeboys lady (oh, that bitch)
Eighty degrees, when I tell that bitch please
Raise up off these n-u-ts, cause you gets none of these
At ease, as I mob with the dogg pound, feel the breeze

Obviously, this particular song started out scandalous. I do not need to explain why it’s included. But the beauty of this particular song is that when Snoop Dogg sang it, you COULD NOT understand the words well enough to hear what was really going on. Luckily for us, with the 1996 remake by the alternative country band The Gourds, all of these lyrics are 500 times clearer. Clearly, they too had their mind on their money and their money on their mind.

Song #13: Nasty Girl by Nitty
Well honey (Whatcha got Mr. Mans)
I got a lot of money (I don’t see no keys in my hands)
Could you be my nasty girl
And let me do that dirty dance witchu (If you want this give me money)
Mommy (Ooo Whee Poppi)
Shake that sexy body (Do you like what you see?)
I just wanna nasty girl
Now tell me is that nasty girl you? (I can love you long time)
I’m in the Escalade, you in the Navigator
You talkin dirty wanna serve me in the elevator
Wanna give it to me now not later
Mommy’s body was a dime, can’t hate her
What a brother gonna do when the bitty rolls through
Who’s lookin just like Jada
We hit the elevator
Of course there’s always haters
But it didn’t matter yo
We were puttin on a show
Free for all your spectators

There was a time in my life that I really loved the original version of this song. But since my discovery of Nitty’s delightfully skanky version of the classic tune, I have replaced the love for the original with a deep and lasting passion for the revised edition. In fact, I had to look up the names of the originators (The Archies) while working on this particular blog. I mean, they were none too shabby about their “candy girl” back in the day. I mean they were saying that they wanted her, a nice way of saying that they wanted to do the horizontal mambo…*scandal scandal* in their day. But Nitty thought that the youth of today wouldn’t understand the subtle sexual undertones, and wanted to help them appreciate the true nature of the song. I mean, it’s a lot easier to understand what “Ah sugar, ah honey honey you are my candy girl and you got me wanting you” means when you rephrase it as “Honey, I got a lot of money, could you be my nasty girl and let me do that dirty dance witchu.” Agreed?

Top 40
Song #14: La La by Ashlee Simpson
You make me wanna lala in the kitchen on the floor
I’ll be your French maid where I meet you at the door
I’m like an alley cat
Drink the milk up I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream

Alright, though I find this song absolutely delightful and addictive, I have to say that it’s also equally as degrading as any song I’ve heard from the rap/hip hop genre recently. Basically, Ashlee Simpson is saying that she finds you so terribly attractive that just being around you makes her want to show you her O face (don’t get it? Rent Office Space.) She’ll do you anywhere, any time, any place. Just tell her how you want it, and she’ll do it. In fact, isn’t her hubby supposed to be a vegetarian? So shouldn’t that alley cat line be a little…you know, inappropriate? I’m assuming that you can figure out what she’s “drink[ing] up”But hey, if she loves it that much, I’m sure Pete Wentz will take that bullet. 

Song #15: Crank That – Soulja Boy
Super Man Dat Ho
Then Watch me Crank Dat Robocop?
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance
(Now You)
I’m Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin
Then I’m Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
“I Got Me Some Bathin Apes”
Soulja Boy Off In This Ho
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja
Then Super Man Dat Ho

Ah, youth. What I love about this song is that not only is this a dance that children of all ages can do (I’ve heard of a preschool class learning of it. Actually, I’m 100% sure that they learned it. From one of my friend’s mom.) but it’s written by one of the youngest songwriters of all time. Soulja Boy was only 17 when it became a hit, although he had written long before. So let’s explain exactly what this youngster is talking about in his filthy, filthy song. I had actually planned on publishing this with all of the gory details, but I called a play change in the last seconds before the snap. Meaning that I couldn’t bring myself to hit “publish” with these words on the screen. Therefore, I’ve instead made a list of the terms that you should look up on www.urbandictionary.com. For your homework, please search the following: “superman,” “crank dat,” and “robocop.” Extra credit for writing them in example sentences. Educate thyself. 

Song #16: Wannabe by the Spice Girls
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is. 
So here’s a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me
you gotta listen carefully
We got Em in the place who likes it in your face,
we got G like MC who likes it on an
Easy V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady,
and as for me..ah you’ll see,
Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and wind it all around.

This song is simply riddled with double entendres. Did I know this when I was 9 years old and was given this album as my very first CD? OMG, of course not. I mean, I understood that The Lady Is A Vamp song was scandalous, but the subtleties of this song were lost on me. Let’s look at the above type. How many of us ladies have ever had a guy take and not give in return? Yeah, that’s what I thought. The Spice Girls are not going to put up with that. We’ll help you out, but damn it, you’d better help us out, too. None of that “I don’t know how, but I really appreciate you doing it for me” crap. I’ll be honest and say that I’m not 100% sure about what all of the rapping section means…but I do know that Easy V not coming for free means one of two things: 1. She expects the guy to take her out for a nice evening before he actually “takes” her (and David Beckham has the means to do it) and 2. She’s a hooker. With Mel B, clearly she is very into exchanging DNA, but who knows what SHE likes? There is a way to find out. All you have to do is slam your body down and wind it aaaaaall around. Sexay.

Song #17: Kiss From A Rose – Seal
There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill.
But did you know, That when it snows,
My eyes become large and The light that you shine can be seen.
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave.
Ooh,The more I get of you,
The stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the grave.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say. You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you’re like a growing addiction that I can’t deny.

And here it is. The song that inspired the blog. When I was in high school, we were taught how to analyze poetry. There are a few ultimate truths in poetry. A flower, for example, will always always represent sex, or a woman’s “gift.” My friend and I somehow ended up discovering the truth about this song by way of this analyzing tactic, as songs are simply poems set to a tune. We’ll go slowly. Line by line.

  • A graying tower alone on the sea means he’s turned on alone, creating his own waves in his waterbed at night.
  • Love remained a drug that’s the high means that he enjoys being in love, and probably making love as well. 
  • The completion of a sexual act, spreading the seed, the achievement of the American dream, whatever, is when it snows.
  • I think that his eyes come alive because in reality he’s falling in love with a woman, the light you shine is actually the reality that this woman cares about him. And who isn’t in love with a person who is in love with them?
  • A kiss from a rose on the grave, otherwise known as the title of the song, is basically referring to deflowering someone when you’re not a virgin yourself. The grave is the “let down” time after an orgasm, and if you’ve had an orgasm, you’re probably not so much a virgin, not completely anyway.
  • And now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grave. = Now that you’re old enough to do it, we’re totally going to have sex, and I’m ready even though I’ve had an orgasm before and you maybe haven’t. Woot.
  • I’m pretty sure that if there is so much a man can tell you, it must be about sex, or you can just read a book instead. Actually, you can just read a book for the sex info, too…so Seal lied. I don’t need a man’s knowledge, but I do like other things they have.
  • What is sex if it’s not power, pleasure, and pain?
  • A grown addition that I can’t deny is a topic that we might want to ask David Duchovny about.
Have I ruined this terribly romantic song for you? That was my goal.

Well, that’s it, folks. It’s been a long, hard point to make, but I think that I’ve finally reached the end of this dark tunnel. Time to…slip the pencil into the wallet, put the car in the garage, . Okay I’m done now. But seriously. Now that you know that all your favorite songs are scandalous, you might as well listen to the blatantly dirty ones as well. I recommend “Control” by Nine Inch Nails, “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo” by the Bloodhound Gang, and “Hot White C**” by Liz Phair. 

PS: I think you all should know that this article took forever to research and finish, but I enjoyed the researching. I have increased my sexual vocabulary, which I didn’t think was possible. You learn one new thing every day, I guess…I found this while doing research. My favorites that I didn’t get to use are:

  • The Blitzkrieg Bop
  • chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim charoo
  • doing the no-pants dance
  • doing the oompa loompa
  • fig leaf removing
  • Hunting the Chukaberra
  • insert tab A into slot B (DIY has never been so hott.)
  • insider trading (ex. “Let’s make like Enron and do some insider trading.”)
  • playing with dinosaurs
  • snoo snoo
  • the magical embrace

Fabulous. http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Sexual_innuendo

 

Feminism has changed, and it’s not going back.

{ September 2, 2008 @ 5:30 pm } · { General Info, Personal, Youth }
{ Tags: , , } · { Leave a Comment }

So get used to it, all you “cool aunts” out there. It’s time to start shaving those legs again.

I got this idea from an assignment in a journalism class. An article written in 1998 and published in TIME magazine that year by Gina Bellafonte bemoans the loss of the feminism of yesteryear.

“OH, why is it all about sexual empowerment instead of real issues like child care and equal wages?” Is what I imagine her saying as she weeps every night over her copy of The Feminine Mystique.

Get with the fucking program woman. Stop sobbing over the past and join us in the 21st century. For starters, trade that tired old rag in for the newer Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks. Or better yet, The Ethical Slut. That one’s a fun and hilarious romp, even if it’s not strictly about women. You want to know why feminism has become centered around sex? I’ll tell you why.

It’s because while not all women have children, and not all women want to be high powered execs, every single woman on this planet is born with a vagina (or a desire for a vagina, I’m inclusive). And every woman in America has a very serious negative reaction to talking about her body, looking at her body, being okay with…guess what? Her body. And so trying to encourage women to love their body, make their body feel good, and to be okay with being sexy IS a feminist issue.

Some women will say that if you’re promiscuous, if you show too much skin on a daily basis, you’re not a real feminist.

I hate.

            Hate.

                        Hate.

                                    Hate HATE women who will tell someone they aren’t a feminist.

Fuck you, bitch, I so am. She so is. And even you so are, if you say you are.

  • Just because I like it when a guy pulls out my chair, opens my door, does “man chores,” or pays for dinner doesn’t mean that I’m contributing to the oppression of my sex.
  • Just because I wear tops that my boobs are falling out of  and a skirt that leaves little to the imagination to go out sometimes doesn’t mean that I’m demeaning myself.
  • Just because I hold traditionally female jobs, such as babysitter and librarian doesn’t mean that I’m letting men climb higher than me on the ladder.

 

  • It means that I like to feel like someone cares about me, is willing to do things for me, and wants to take care of me.
  • It means that I want to feel sexy sometimes, my boobs are my greatest asset in my opinion, and damn it they deserve a breath of fresh air. Plus, if I can’t show off my upper-thigh tattoo, then what’s the point?
  • It means that I like children and books, and that I if I had to sit in an office all day or hold their lives in my hand on a regular basis I’d shoot myself in the head within a year.

It means that I’m being me.

And for that matter, how is feminism served by women turning into men? I mean, some women think that feminism means dressing in clothes that turn you into a genderless blob. And then there are the women who start to smoke cigars, go on sports outings, and refuse to wear skirts to the office. Now, if you want to do all that, then go for it! But if you actually are terrified of getting lung cancer, hate baseball, and like to feel the cool breeze on your bikini bottoms, then what the fuck. You’re oppressing your own personality, and not doing anyone any good.

I’m not overly girly, I rarely wear make up, I prefer grilling outdoors to making a fancy four-course meal, and I would much rather watch the Red Sox than Bridezillas. But I enjoy many other girly activities, such as shopping for hours, having afternoon tea, and criticizing Heidi Klum’s outfit on Project Runway. So what does that mean?

Am I a traitor? The Benedict Arnold of feminism? I think not.

There are a lot of good things about this change that I think both sides can agree are benefits of the feminist movement becoming more widespread.

  • I doubt that in the 70s movement, there would have been many if any men walking around with the feminist symbol tattooed on their bodies. But I know two. I also know feminists who would say that you have to be a woman to be a feminist, which just isn’t true.
  • Girls are growing up today with an education in women’s history. It’s not all told by the men anymore, it’s about the women, too. Elizabeth, Margaret Thatcher, and Bloody Mary are getting more and more attention these days. At home, we have fewer options, but we’re still a young country. Give us time. For now we’ll just have to make do with Ruth Vader Ginsburg, Hillary Clinton, and Kay Bailey Hutchison (can you tell where I grew up?).
  • The female condom rocked my world when I actually saw one. Not necessarily in a good way. But despite the fact that having sex with one of those would sound like doin’ it with a recyclable WalMart bag, it’s good that women have the option of protecting themselves without relying on a man to cage the monkey.

So feminism has changed. I’m down with it. Everyone who considers themselves a feminist is welcome to be one, in my book. We all have our different definitions of good and bad, hot and not, why can’t we have different definitions of feminism?

Because feminism has changed, like it or not.

 

Safe Sex is GOOD for Society.

{ April 2, 2008 @ 12:57 am } · { Personal, Uncategorized }
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Being an outspoken and fairly liberal American, I know the five main responses that different groups of people have when they hear the words: “safe sex.”

1. Please, I practice safe sex. I use the rhythm method.

2. Sex? –deep blush- Oh…uh…I’ve got something to do. -deeper blush- Uh, somewhere to be, I mean.

3. ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE ABSTINENCE, you heathen whore! The only safe sex is no sex. Wait until marriage.

4. It’s like taking shower with a raincoat on.

5. Sex? <cue Barry White>.………..bowbowbow………………….I’ve been really tryyyyin’ baaybay……..…………………….uh,what were you saying?

To be fair, this is America in general. Not on campus at my college, or the result would be “Condom Plan? What?”

Yeah.

But here’s the deal. Safe sex is important.

I’m not talking about abstinence, although if you’re going to wait until you’re in love, or married, or picked up by Spitzer, then that’s cool. I completely respect that, honestly I do.

But for most of America, if they’re not having sex, they’re obsessing about why they’re not having sex. They’re imagining sex. They’re pretending that they don’t care and that it’s dirty to want to have sex. They’re watching sex. They’re remembering remarkably good sex. They’re pretending that they’re actually good at sex. They’re plotting on how to have more great sex. They’re making ridiculous schemes up that will lead to the greatest sex ever. 

And this all leads to what?

- Lack of concentration

- Irritability

- Depression

- Lessened productivity

- A bad economy

That’s right, folks. I am, in fact, insinuating that not only is a lack of sex damaging to people personally, but to the American economy as a whole. For example, in recent fashion shows, hemlines have lower. The fashion world is taking away the sexy legs, and we’re suffering. I don’t care that the 1950s hemline connection has been forgotten, I’m bringing it back. Little tiny mini skirts are a lot sexier and keep people a lot happier than the broomstick skirts that we’re seeing return to the store this season. Broomstick skirts are NOT good for the economy.

Nor is Safari-wear, but we’ll leave Old Navy’s problems to Old Navy.

Don’t worry, I’m not saying this to get the government and their foolish war off the hook, they’re major contributors to the lack of sex. The war separates wives, husbands, lovers, “special friends,” basically anyone who’s having sex in order to go fight a war to “protect the country.” Can they procreate in Iraq? Not with other Americans, and that’s the problem.

Tsk tsk. Oh George Bush, I know you’re a Republican, but you’re also a man. You should know.

Anyway. Baaaaaack to the point.

Let’s assume for now that I’ve convinced you of this truth:

Sexà important.

To add a little legitimacy to my claim, I’ll use a 2004 study out of Dartmouth comparing how money relates to happiness and how sex relates to happiness.

Guess what? Sex won!

In a random sample of 16,000 Americans, David G. Blanchflower and Andrew J. Oswald found that even though most Americans have less dramatic sex lives than the media shows well, duh, they’re more happy the more frequently they have sex.

Now let’s take it a step further. A great sexual escapade can be completely overshadowed by an unwanted trip to the doctor’s office for one reason or another. STIs, STDs, and unwanted pregnancy lead to the same thing that no sex does:

- Lack of concentration

- Irritability

- Depression

- Lessened productivity

- A bad economy

Sometimes it’s even worse than if you had never had sex in the first place.

Therefore,

Safe sex à EXTREMELY important.

Unsafe sex à Recession

In the study discussed before, they found that most Americans had only one sexual partner a year on average. I feel like that’s important to note, because how many partners you choose to have sex with is a part of your sexual health. The more people that you choose to sleep with, the higher your risk.

Whether choosing to engage in sex with one partner a year, multiple partners a year, or multiple partners a night, make sure to use at least one form of protection. Let’s quickly go over the types:

-       Male condoms: protect against STIs, STDs, pregnancy, 85% effective

-       Female condoms: protect against STIs, STDs, pregnancy, 79% effective

-       Dental Dams: protects against STIs, STDs, pregnancy N/A

-       Birth control pill: protects against pregnancy ONLY, 99% effective

-       Diaphragm & spermicide: protects against pregnancy ONLY, 82-94% effective

-       Depo-provera shot: protects against pregnancy ONLY, 99% effective

-       The Patch: protects against pregnancy ONLY, 99% effective

-       NuvaRing: protects against pregnancy ONLY, 98-99% effective

-       IUD, surgically implanted: protects against pregnancy ONLY, 98-99% effective

Choosing the right method is important. Obviously, if you’ve both been tested for STIs/STDs, then it SHOULD be an acceptable option to only use a product that prevents pregnancy. People who are responsible, people who get tested, have a healthy respect for their partner and themselves in the relationship.

But remember that if you haven’t been tested, you could get into a lot of trouble with your own health by using products that will not protect against STDs and STIs. If you’re having sex with multiple partners, the best choice is to use a condom of one type or another. It’s hard being slutty, isn’t it?

As a side note, for tips on being a well-mannered and healthy slutty person, please see a book entitled The Ethical Slut. It’s a good read.

Also, I feel like there is a bad stereotype of “lower education = more sex,” and whether that’s a true stereotype of not, it’s not necessarily a relation to how much educated people enjoy sex in comparison to non-educated people.

In the study, they found that sex had disproportionately strong effects in highly educated people. Get your nose out of the books and your bodies in the sheets, doctors. You’ll thank me for it.

Because really, safe sex is good for society.

PS – Want to see that study? Leave me a comment and we’ll figure out a way to get a copy to you.

 

Everyday is the worst day of someone’s life.

{ March 14, 2008 @ 10:13 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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This one isn’t funny. It’s just strikingly true.  Remember that the next time you jump to conclusions or do something incredibly insensitive. xoxo. 

Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter.

{ March 13, 2008 @ 5:20 pm } · { Youth }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

Sorry, Danny boy, but it’s the truth.

Now, many of you may think, this is ridiculous. I don’t care if he’s never able to move on, I think he should be Harry Potter forever. I mean, that’s who he is.

Let me tell you people, it’s not what HE wants. And in the end, it’s not what we want either. I mean, look at the people who only have one big hit role. The one-hit-wonders of film, if you will. Look at Mark Hamil. Did he ever really bounce back from being Luke? Or the kid who did the truffle shuffle? Or Gary Coleman? Or Harrison Ford?  They did not turn out well (okay, I know Harrison Ford did, but I love him so I had to throw him in there for my own little fun). And now we have the VH1 filth “Where are they now?” No one in society benefits from that.

But regardless of whether or not people benefit from it, it’s true. Daniel Radcliffe is trying to branch out, trying to be more than ‘The Boy Who Lived,’ but it will never happen. And JK Rowling is not helping him move out of this slump.

Today it was announced that the final Harry Potter movie (numero 7) will be released in two installments. Because, you know, there needs to be more hype surrounding the entire book-movie-fantasyworld combo. Yeah right. Can we not just go ahead and make it rated R for violence and gore? Because I’m pretty sure that needs to happen. But what about the kids who love the movie, then they won’t be able to see it. Don’t worry, film execs, people will still take their kids to see this movie. See another entry of mine, it’s true.

That poor 18-year old kid is going to be so messed up. I mean, we’ll see him on Celebrity Rehab in about 10 years as the sweet, calming one who can handle crazy Miley Cyrus’s delusions of grandeur. You know Dr. Drew is hella excited at the prospects. Or maybe, before Rehab, VH1 or MTV will decide to do a “Potter’s Princess” dating show. I should stop before I give them too many ideas. After all, we all know that he’s just going to end up dating and eventually marrying someone way to old for him. Psst, Dan, I suggest Tila, you two would be hilariously great together.

Still, he has not given up hope yet. He pushes forward, trying very hard to make a name for himself. A name that JK Rowling didn’t create. The next non-Potter movie set to come out for him is about a photojournalist, and he’s also tried his hand on the stage. Lately, he’s been in a play – okay, well last year he was in a play – called Equus. It’s about a stable boy obsessed with horses.          

Right.         

Not exactly the same audience, is it?

I can totally see why Dan the Man would do a play like that, it has such a different image from his most famous role. And maybe if he does crazy shit, he’ll be able to make a name for himself as one of those trendy indie film stars instead of the incredibly mainstream whatever he is now. But even if my little sister’s dreams come true and she marries Mr. Radcliffe, I will address Christmas presents and wedding gifts to “Harry.”

 

Because really, Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter.

It can’t be the 7 deadly sins if there are more of them.

{ March 12, 2008 @ 2:30 am } · { Personal, Political, Religion, Uncategorized }
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****DISCLAIMER fools, I do respect all religions, no matter what my personal feelings are. And I always adore the Pope. I think he and I would be great friends if we ever met, which is why I’m chill with talking about him like this. Don’t freak out, I’m not intending to be disrespectful.****

Oh, Pope. Pope Pope Pope Pope Pope. God love you (well, he does). Are you aware that there cannot be more deadly sins if they go by: The Seven Deadly Sins?

I mean, come on. COME ON. I agree with you on some of your points, and I understand the Vatican’s position on others. Yeah, rich people who don’t help out the needy? Please let them burn in hell for that, the jerks. And people who litter and pollute? WHO STILL LITTERS? WHO? I will hunt you down and make you pick up all the litter on my college campus. Sucka. And I feel like calling drug abuse a mortal sin is just fucking redundant, yeah? You’re with me, we all know that drugs kill people, Pope, but it’s cool that you made it a double-death, Brahman never did that, did he?

But then…it all gets a little off base for my personal opinion. Genetic mutilation? I see it happening in the future. And trust me, God does, too. Plus, uh, I already knew how you all felt about abortion, but making it a deadly sin when it’s already a mortal sin isn’t going to help anyone out. I mean, this just adds a whole new level of confusion to our US political system. Like, will you excommunicate us if we don’t make it illegal? Is there to be a new holy war that will wind up killing more men than babies that would have been killed in the next 15 years through legalized abortion? And Pope-y dearest, you can’t relate to these problems. Look at the cute little Pope trying to regulate sex, something he assumedly knows nothing about. It’s adorable.

Finally, the last two are just ridiculous for the Pope to talk about. Yes, pedophilia definitely deserves to be a mortal sin. Thank Buddha that the Pope gets that. I think it was very brave of the Pope to point this out, I mean, this means that some former priests have committed deadly sins. AND now he’s never going to get that private Michael Jackson concert he’s been waiting for. No birthday concert for you, Pope-les.

Which leaves me with the final one. The one that when I read about it, I wanted to die laughing. Social injustice. Seriously, Catholic church? What the fuck is up? Because trust me, religion – and specifically the Catholic religion – is responsible for giving people a way to rationalize their prejudices.

It’s okay to hate gays because the church says they’re sinners.

It’s okay to judge girls who have babies out of wedlock because the bible says they’re whores.

It’s okay to give a man the right to choose whether to be a father, but not women whether they’d like to be mothers.

It’s okay to discriminate based on religion because it’s the most important part of life.

So sorry, Pope, if I don’t buy that last one. You’re going to have to prove yourself to me about that one in the coming years. I hope you’re up for the challenge, baby doll, because I am. I wonder if Muhammad would be…

Still, for all my rants and raves about the Pope’s decision, I realize that he must be less excited about it than me, because he just created a hell of a lot of extra work for himself. According to the website www.deadlysins.com, the old skool (what what) deadly sins have a rich history including a color, animal, and specific punishment in hell. Here are the originals:

Pride

Violet, Horse, Broken on the wheel

Envy

Green, Dog, Put in freezing water

Wrath

Red, Bear, Dismembered alive

Sloth

Light Blue, Goat, Thrown in snake pits

Greed

Yellow, Frog, Put in cauldrons of boiling oil

Gluttony

Orange, Pig, Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes

Lust

Blue, Cow, Smothered in fire and brimstone

Now the poor Pope has to make these up for the new deadly sins, and it took forever and a half to come up with the originals. Luckily, I get the Pope’s predicament, and I’m willing to help him out with his duties. Here are my suggestions for the new sins, respectfully submitted by a straying Southern Baptist.

Genetic Engineering

Seafoam green; FutureMouse (see White Teeth by Zadie Smith); Living with the best and worst genetically altered versions of yourself

Drug Abuse

White; A Marijuana Plant (it comes to life when you’re on acid); Your hallucinations come in the form of hours in the dentist’s office watching From Justin to Kelly.

Huge Inequity of Wealth

Money-green; That little dog from the Monopoly game; Trying to get medical care without a job or money

Polluting/Littering

Sludge brown; Hexxus, from FernGully; Breathing smog while buried in all the trash you ever littered.

Abortion

Blood red; Fetus; Actually having children, lots of them

Pedophilia

Pastel blue and pink; Bubbles, MJ’s pet chimp; Neverland Ranch. Enough said.

Social Injustice

Rainbow; Snowball, the pig from Animal Farm; You’re the ultimate minority: a Jewish, obese, black transsexual pre-op female with Cerebral Palsy and dwarfism.

What do you think? Should I submit this in letter form to the Pope? How much is a stamp to the Vatican? I mean, it IS its own country.

I just don’t think that the Pope and his people want to hear that they can’t be called the 7 Deadly Sins if there are more of them. 

 

 

A teenager you know has an STD.

{ March 11, 2008 @ 7:57 pm } · { Family and friends, Political, Youth }
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Welcome to hell, parents. 

It’s true that 1 in 4 teenage girls have an STD, according to CNN’s report. Which means that because the dominant sexual identity in the American culture is heterosexual, there should be a corresponding statistic for males as well.

Before I actually get to the point with the whole entry, I would like to note that I have read…oh, 3 articles about this. You shouldn’t use me as a news source, it’s just the worst idea in the world. Journalism student or not, this blog is totally my opinion, and I hope you take it at that.

Alright. Back to the rant.Let’s go with my favorite tool: relating it to your life.Close your eyes, imagine the teen girl closest to you. Maybe it’s a sister, a daughter, or just the nice babysitter down the street, whatever. Just picture the girl in your mind.

Now, let’s remember that teenagers tend to have a large amount of friends around them. I personally know that I ran around in a group of 4 for most of my years. So recall the friends. All four or more of them in your mind? Good.

One of them (statistically) has an STD. Don’t play the “I’m sure it doesn’t happen to the ones I know” game, because you know it frickin’ does.

I’m not surprised in the least. Many of my friends in high school and the early years of college ended up being treated for an STD, some of them more than once.

You know why? Because the schools in Texas (where I grew up) and many other states teach abstinence-only sex ed.

While all these states – Missouri and Texas included –  are trying to force immunizations on girls who go to public schools for HPV, they could just try and teach a better program of not only “safe sex” but sexual health as well.

HPV is a huge problem, according to CNN.com, about 18% of teen girls who have an STD have HPV. Can it lead to cervical cancer? Hells yes. Will I get the vaccination soon? Double hells yes. Mind you, I understand that HPV is not necessarily caused by having sex, but the rate of transmission would certainly be lower if people understood how to protect themselves.

Let’s continue with our main topic of the day. You don’t think it could happen to your friends and family. They’re not stupid enough. They have higher morals (they don’t, see my first post ever on this site).

Wrong.

You are so damn wrong. I attended a public high school, but i lived in the sheltered little circle of honors kids. We’re smart, right? We love to learn things. We soak up knowledge. We have potential and high GPAs…we also have sex.

And we’re not always so smart about it.You’d be surprised how many people – smart people, people who graduated in the top 10% of their classes – said things like, “You can’t get pregnant if the guy pulls out,” or ” It’s better to double-bag it,” or “You can totally tell by looking if a guy’s clean.” Direct quotes, people, from the smartest kids in school.

So it’s no big surprise that teen girls have a high STD rate. 3 million girls have an STD, at least. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s higher for women, because in the way that society is structured, it’s okay for guys to talk about sex, but it’s considered an inappropriate topic for girls. Only whores talk about sex, according to popular opinion.

Many of you may be thinking that if people aren’t talking about sex, they’re not having it, and they’re not influencing other people to have it.

Wrong. Strike that.

They’re having sex, whether they’re talking about it or not. Also, one of the best ways to peer educate is to get a dialogue going. Odds are, when someone voices an opinion that’s not true in a group of peers they’ll be called out on it, and then the whole group learns. I was that person who called people out on things, thank god for my natural curiosity and my love of researching any topic.

If you’re looking to educate teenagers about sexual health, first find out if their school offers any sexual health programs. Almost all public universities will, and many private ones, but it’s rarer in high school. If you want to discreetly send your kids some information, find a way to slip them these web addresses:

For some straight-forward, comprehensive info: http://www.sexualhealth.com/   

For something structured toward teens: www.iwannaknow.org 

Don’t think. Just make sure your friends and family are being smart about their choices. Because I can guarantee you, a teenager you know has an STD. 

Britney Spears won’t go away.

{ September 14, 2007 @ 6:26 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Short, simple, and to the point.

As much as I wish that this chick would disappear from the face of the earth, thus saving us from having to ever watch her on CNN while trying to find out information about a devastating earthquake or anything else that actually matters in life, she won’t.

Yes, her performance at the VMAs was pathetic. No man could be enticed by the way she danced. And in the close ups, I’m pretty sure I could see that “I really just want to go home and crawl into bed” feeling lurking behind the makeup. But the song itself is just too damn catchy. She has a great team of dirty old men behind her writing songs for teeny boppers to enjoy.

And if you think, oh criticizing public, that you can scare her away from schow business by saying that she’s fat, you’re wrong. First of all, she’s not. Look at America. Look in the mirror, and then you can judge Britney Spears. If you actually ARE more toned than her, then go ahead and say it. But I doubt that you are. Just because she’s not a pristinely shaped as she was BEFORE she had two children does not mean that she’s fat. Get over yourselves. Secondly, look at all the legit criticism this girl has endured. This won’t phase her.

Now, America, look what you’ve done. I was just forced to defend Britney Spears (or a part of her) and now I feel sick. But you’re just that stupid. So suck it up.

Deal with it so I don’t have to address this again.

Britney Spears won’t go away.