What No One Wants To Know

For those of you who are not aware, our beloved symbol of freedom was a gift from France. According to what I remember of my American history class, France gave it to us on our (America’s) 100th birthday.

I have to admit, it’s a pretty sweet gift. I don’t even want to know how they managed to get it over here and assemble it. The people of France were really psyched about our budding relationship, and since the idea of a “love fern” had yet to be popularized by the unstoppable force of Kate Hudson, they gave us a lady statue. 

While at the time, we thought it was a gift of “friendship,” in hindsight I’m fully willing to ascertain that the gift was actually a love trinket. I mean, the official story is that it was a gift wrought of the close bond France and the US formed during our glorious revolution. I am not fooled.

Basically what went down was that in our time of need, we flirted with the class nerd (France). We used the nerd’s skills to help us on the final exam to move onto the next grade level (independence), all the while leading the nerd to believe that not only did we like him, but we liked him liked him. But we never actually intended to go out with him, and once the project was over, we still accepted an expensive birthday gift. What a bitch America is.

Also, I should point out that this is clearly a “I’m getting some later tonight” gift. Not only is Lady Liberty basically in a sheet, she’s holding a phallic love torch, suitable for fanning the flame of passion, and her little scroll has a romantic poem on it. What could be more of a panty-dropper than:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” ?

Sex-ay. Let’s just throw some Barry White-worthy bass lines in there, light a few scented candles and it is a perfect evening. 

Of course, we got through the honeymoon stage of our relationship quite some time ago. In fact, we have had quite the on-again, off-again relationship. But it hasn’t been good for a while now, and I’m sorry, but it’s time to admit that we’re not just on a break. We’re over. We’ve moved on. Did you see the way Michelle Obama hugged the Queen earlier this year? I think it’s pretty clear that the US and GB are back on.

Hell, we might even move in together. At the very least, we’re going to have joint custody of one of those new Obama Chia pets. And hey, we’re progressive, we’re into open relationships. So before you know it, we’re going to have a full social calendar with dates from Canada, Australia, Russia – you get the drift. I mean, look at the progress we made on Governor Sanford’s goodwill missions to Argentina.

But for our new relationships to flourish, we need to get rid of our Lady Liberty and stick a gift from the new suitors up in its place. It’s simple. If you get remarried, are you going to expect your new hubby to put up with that boob-tattoo of your old one’s name? Nope. At the very least, he’s going to make you stop wearing low cut shirts and possibly ask you to call him “Ralph” in bed. And we need to be willing to do that for our new friends with benefits.

It’s time to break out the ex-boyfriend box and make some room, or maybe get a really big DHL envelope and save up for international shipping. Because the US needs to give the Statue of Liberty back.