What No One Wants To Know

Dear Glamour,

What the hell are you thinking? We hate you and your female readers.

Sincerely, men.

Okay, so that’s in no way a real letter to the editors of Glamour, as far as I know. But after reading an article entitled “7 Things a Guy’s Bedroom Says About Him,” I would not be surprised to find similar letters in the Glamour offices. The main difference? More profanity. More anger. In man-writing.

Turns out, Glamour knows nothing about men. The article in question is incredibly offensive in regards to men, choosing to file them away by domestic behaviors. I like to walk through things – especially heinous things – and so we’ll take it step by step. 

1. If his bed’s unmade, he might be a mama’s boy. 

Okay, or he’s just busy. Or lazy. Or he doesn’t see the point. I mean, my mom never made up my bed once Aunt Flo started coming, and five days out of seven my bed is unmade, ready for me to jump into at any moment. 

2. If he has a plant, that means he’s nurturing.

I would also add, “or he’s a cheater.” Men traditionally don’t buy plants. Their mothers or girlfriends GIVE them plants (see How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days). And if that plant’s not dead, that means that someone more important than you gave them this plant. Dump him, you’re not the number one priority. Perhaps I’m not being fair. One of my male friends DID actually buy himself a plant or two, I’ll have to ask his boyfriends if they see that as a sign of his “nurturing” impulse. Even if your guy DID buy a plant and DOES like vaginas, a plant means that he’s going to spending money on fertilizer instead of saving up for that pony you want. No good.

3. If he has a guitar, it makes him old school.

No, it makes him a wannabe John Mayer. Or it makes him misunderstood. Or it means that he sits up at night, trying to write the perfect song to win your heart. None of these are necessarily bad, in fact I would consider the fact that he has a REAL guitar as opposed to just a Guitar Hero set a plus. Sadly, Glamour appears to think that it means your boo lives in the dark ages. How low can we sink?

4. If he has weights, he likes his arms and wants you to notice them.

Or it means that he’s less American, aka less out-of-shape and lazy. Or it means that he WANTS to be less out-of-shape and lazy. Check dust levels to differentiate between these two options.

5. If there are clothes on a chair, it means he’s not anal.

How we went from messiness being a sign of a mama’s boy to a sign of a laid-back attitude, I’ll never know. This could, in fact, mean that he doesn’t have OCD. But let’s remember what YOUR room looks like when you’re getting ready in the morning. Any similarities to this one? That’s what I thought. Now you only have to decide whether his inability to pick up the mess before you come over is a result of his busy schedule, his desperate need to see you in his bedroom whenever, or his lack of concern for your opinion of him. I personally find the middle one most flattering.

6. If there are photos on the wall, it means he’s sentimental and/or stuck in the past.

Yes, many sentimental people keep mementos lying around. Many other people use photos as ways to fill up space and make an apartment more than four blank walls. Don’t read too much into photos, unless they’re all just headshots of him. Then you should run screaming for the door. After a tiny little make-out session, because I’m assuming those pictures aren’t hard to look at. And if they’re on a cork board, chances are we’re dealing with a failure to upgrade from coed dormlife.

7. If he has a rug, he’s an adult.

Please note that a great number of freshmen I was once responsible for keeping in line owned rugs. So unless you would call throwing up a bowl of red Jello shots all Halloween night or hosting a rave with glow-in-the-dark body paint in your dorm room adult activities, I wouldn’t count on a rug showing maturity and a sense of responsibility. Just sayin’.

Women, I beg of you to find other alternatives to get a good read on your man. Because while I know many people who consider Glamour to be of a higher level than Cosmopolitan (undoubtedly their editors do), I feel that in reality this article proves that they are not. Kudos, Conde Nast, for keeping Glamour editors on your payroll and firing those bitches over at Domino who actually create content readers can use. God, it almost seemed as though having men on the Domino staff went against the grain, since I can’t imagine any men being on the Glamour staff.

Clearly. Because Glamour knows nothing about men.