What No One Wants To Know

The original title for this entry? Your favorite songs are secretly dirty. But I realized that this title left out one of my favorite scandalous songs. SO I decided to switch it up a bit. 

I know what you’re thinking, there’s no way that my favorite song is secretly scandalous. And I’ll be honest, if your favorite song is a hymn or a concerto, then you’re right, it’s not.  So you two groups of music-lovers are safe. Congratulations. Now for the rest of you. I’ll prove that some of the most popular and innocent-seeming songs are scandalous, even children’s songs. In fact, the children’s songs I’m intending on using are fairly obvious. I’ll start with them.

Children’s Songs
Song #1: Puff the Magic Dragon
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.
A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

This song is about smoking pot. If you don’t know this already, God help you. And actually, it’s kind of sweet and nostalgic, because if you think about it, it’s pretty much about how eventually high schoolers and college students will have to grow out of their pot-smoking hippie stage and grow up to become Republican warriors against drugs. It’s almost like they’re stabbing their best friend in the back when all their best friend ever did was take them on wild and crazy adventures. Luckily, stupid people will continue to reproduce, and so there will always be plenty of teens and Greek students to hang out with poor ol’ Puff.

Song #2: I’ll Make A Man Out Of You
Tranquil as a forest but on fire within
Once you find your center, you are sure to win
You’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot
And you haven’t got a clue
Somehow I’ll make a man out of you 

I have to start by saying that I love this song. I will belt it out driving down the highway, just so long as I’m going too fast for anyone in any of the other cars to hear. I mean, Donny Osmond rocks my face off in this song. But let’s look over these lyrics, and then consider the context. Glance back up at them, yeah. On fire within? Once you find your center? Oh Donny, how many times did you have to record this to get a usable track that you’re not busting into laughter during? Because for reals, yo. Out of context this is hella dirty. Even IN context, when we’re talking about the fact that they’re all army men, and that they’re doing some “manly bonding” activities without women around? Yeah. Disney, thank you. Thank you for this song that is hilariously scandalous on so many levels.

Jazz
Song #3: Let’s Do It
Cold Cape Cod clams, ‘gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it – Waiter bring me
“shad roe”
In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love 

I adore this song. I think it’s fairly self-explanatory, which is why I picked it to follow the Children’s songs. If not, then I’ll help you out with a little visual. I performed this particular song at my junior year recital, staged as though I was getting ready to go out for the evening. At one point, I’m in a “bathtub” singing the verses above and winking at the audience of parents. The rest of the performance is spent in front of the mirror in a bathrobe, putting on make-up. Winner. 

Soundtrack
Song #4: Run and Tell That! and Ladies’ Choice
The blacker the berry
The sweeter the juice
I could say it ain’t so
But darlin’, what’s the use?
The darker the chocolate
The richer the taste

Hey little girl take me off the shelf
‘Cause it’s hard having fun playing with yourself
Once you’ve browsed through the whole selection
Shake those hips in my direction
A prettier package you never did see
Take me home then unwrap me

We’ll start with Run and Tell That!. I adore this song for so many reasons. The number one reason is that Seaweed is freaking adorable. The number two reason is that it’s about “jungle fever.” Basically they’re saying that black men are better in bed – or more literally that they taste better, knowing cough – than white men. I don’t know whether that’s true or not first hand, but I have to admit that they generally ARE better dancers. The song doesn’t try to hide the message behind much, which is delightful considering all the Disney Channel/Nickelodeon stars involved. They might as well have added the phrase “once you go black, you never go back.” Poor little Amanda Bynes had no chance.

If Run and Tell That! was a thinly veiled message, pretty boy Zac Ephron’s Ladies’ Choice song isn’t veiled at all. It’s out there. He might as well be singing on a street corner looking like a hot trannie mess, because it’s 100% obvious that he’s saying he sells himself to women. My favorite part is that they go where few songs have gone before: into the forbidden realm of female masturbation. And there are plenty of girls in America who would love to unwrap Mr. Ephron. Just check out next week’s Entertainment and his photo layout.

Song #5: Amazing Mayzie and How Lucky You Are
And he told me 
What sort of a pill I should take… 
Now I’m …… 
Amayzing Mayzie! 
As feathered as feathered can be now! 
Amayzing Mayzie! 
It was all for sale! 
It was three weeks of bliss. 
Then the usual segue: 
He flew off to San Juan 
Leaving me with this egg!
Tell yourself 
How lucky you are! 

So basically, the first song is talking about Mazie wanting to look her best in order to…what’s the phrase? Give a guy a hummer? Yeah, and so she succumbs to the Hollywood pressures to get fixed up by a doctor and his miracle pill. Fabulous. No fake boobs for her, just the sexy, sexy feathers. Way to go, Seussical. You’re like Barbie for birds. But unfortunately for Mazie, her life isn’t as picture perfect as the real Barbie, because there’s no Ken doll in the picture to take care of the baby. He exited stage left once they finished playing their pelvic pinochle game…okay, so he came back for rematch after rematch but then bolted after  three weeks. Turns out Mazie may have won the battle but lost the not-being-preggers war. And another single mother is born. Anyone else feel like this is the true story of the mom-bird in Are You My Mother?.

Country
Song #6: She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney
She thinks my tractor’s sexy 
It really turns her on 
She’s always staring at me 
While I’m chuggin along 
She likes the way it’s pullin’ while we’re tillin’ up the land 
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my farmer’s tan 
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me 
She thinks my tractor’s sexy

Okay, so obviously, there’s the whole “sexy tractor” thing. And you’re thinking, what the hell – girl I don’t even know her name – this isn’t work. I expected better. And so you should. But I think that perhaps you’re missing some of the delightful agri-rotica that is in this particular song. I mean, him driving a tractor seems a little like a game of hide-the-pickle. Tilling up the land = plowing, for you city folk. And what do frat boys mean when they say they plowed some girl last night? That’s right. Let’s not pretend that these people are talking about love, it’s all about knockin’ boots.

Song #7: Last Name by Carrie Underwood
We left, the club, right around 3 o’clock in the morning
His Pinto, sitting there, in the parking lot, well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So, I’ll blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

This one is more about the SINGER masquerading as wholesome rather than the song. Carrie Underwood worked her way into America’s heart by being that smiling southern belle who could bring any Southern Baptist worth their salt to tears with her mega-hit “Jesus Take The Wheel” on American Idol. But really, she’s nothing but a huge sell-out in one way or another. Because either she’s a good Christian Girl who wrote this whore song about shtooping some guy she just met to appease sexually active teens, or she’s actually just a huge slut that tapped into the religious market to win America’s votes. I’m hoping it’s the second one. That’s just better. But then again, who really knows the last names of the men that they meet anyway?

Oldies
Song #8: Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations
Why do you build me up (Build me up) 
Buttercup baby just to 
let me down (Let me down) 
And mess me around 

Ah, The Foundations. I’m so glad to know that they gave every man in the 60s a song to point to, as if to say, “See? Blue balls DO exist. Now let’s do it.” Guys. Seriously. If you’re going to date a tease, then just go ahead and bring along a portable cold shower. BUT IT’S THE FREAKING SIXTIES. If you’re that desperate to get laid, just score some pot and go hang out on the quad. Some nice hippie girl will come along and ask you to help her express her sexual freedom.

Song #9: Jump For My Love by The Pointer Sisters
Can feel it in your heart beat
I know you like what you see
Hold me, I’ll give that you need
Wrap your love around me
You’re so excited, I can feel you
Getting hotter, oh baby
I’ll take you down, I’ll take you down
Where no one’s ever gone before

These ladies know they’re hot, and they know you want them. This is a song all about the foreplay. The next time that you’re trying to convince some fine young man to join you for a roll in the hay, why don’t you try, “C’mere, baby. Wrap your love around me,” with plenty of eyebrow wiggles. Just make sure that you wait until the appropriate temperature, don’t let him get too hott, or it’ll all be ruined, which means that you won’t even get a chance to take him down. He’ll do it himself. And unless The Pointer Sisters were huge Captain Kirk fans, I’m pretty sure that place where no one’s ever gone before is a sexual reference. The possibilities for what specifically it is are endless. 

Rock
Song #10: Hash Pipe by Weezer
I cant help my feelings, Ill go out of my mind
These players come to get me cause theyd like my behind
I cant love my business if I cant get a trick
Down on santa monica where tricks are for kids
Oh, come on and kick me
Oh, come on and kick me
Come on and kick me
Youve got your problems
Ive got my ass wipe
Youve got your big cheese
Ive got my hash pipe
I cant help my boogies they get out of control
I know that you dont care but I want you to know
The knee-stocking flavor is a favorite treat
Of men that dont bother with the taste of a teat 

Well first of all, before we even delve into the lyrics, there’s the fact that Weezer has freely admitted that the song was inspired by a male transvestite prostitute from Santa Monica. Winner, right? Now, reading through this, it’s obvious what they’re talking about. Men paying other men to shtup them. The trick to fooling the general public in this song was a trick employed by rappers and hip hop artists worldwide: making your lyrics indiscernible. I’m pretty sure that if 75% of the high school boys rocking out to this song every day know what it was about, they’d break their guitars and vow never to play again. Which is why this blog is a public service announcement for today.

Song #11: Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose

If you’ve ever only heard one Journey song, I’d bet my firstborn child that it’s this one. For real, I kind of hate babies, it’s yours. And that only makes it more delightful that people run around with this song stuck in their head all day. Because while it might at first glance seem to be an inspirational song, it’s really just about a crackwhore and a gambler. I’d like to think that the message is that these two creatures can pull themselves out of the gutter, but there’s always the possibility that the message is: you can win a lot of money off this guy and then buy this girl to celebrate. Even if it’s the benevolent message, it’s still scandalous, which makes it the perfect song for political campaigns. 

Remakes
Song #12: Gin and Juice – The Gourds
As I take me a drink to the middle of the street
And get to mackin to this bitch named sadie (sadie? )
She used to be the homeboys lady (oh, that bitch)
Eighty degrees, when I tell that bitch please
Raise up off these n-u-ts, cause you gets none of these
At ease, as I mob with the dogg pound, feel the breeze

Obviously, this particular song started out scandalous. I do not need to explain why it’s included. But the beauty of this particular song is that when Snoop Dogg sang it, you COULD NOT understand the words well enough to hear what was really going on. Luckily for us, with the 1996 remake by the alternative country band The Gourds, all of these lyrics are 500 times clearer. Clearly, they too had their mind on their money and their money on their mind.

Song #13: Nasty Girl by Nitty
Well honey (Whatcha got Mr. Mans)
I got a lot of money (I don’t see no keys in my hands)
Could you be my nasty girl
And let me do that dirty dance witchu (If you want this give me money)
Mommy (Ooo Whee Poppi)
Shake that sexy body (Do you like what you see?)
I just wanna nasty girl
Now tell me is that nasty girl you? (I can love you long time)
I’m in the Escalade, you in the Navigator
You talkin dirty wanna serve me in the elevator
Wanna give it to me now not later
Mommy’s body was a dime, can’t hate her
What a brother gonna do when the bitty rolls through
Who’s lookin just like Jada
We hit the elevator
Of course there’s always haters
But it didn’t matter yo
We were puttin on a show
Free for all your spectators

There was a time in my life that I really loved the original version of this song. But since my discovery of Nitty’s delightfully skanky version of the classic tune, I have replaced the love for the original with a deep and lasting passion for the revised edition. In fact, I had to look up the names of the originators (The Archies) while working on this particular blog. I mean, they were none too shabby about their “candy girl” back in the day. I mean they were saying that they wanted her, a nice way of saying that they wanted to do the horizontal mambo…*scandal scandal* in their day. But Nitty thought that the youth of today wouldn’t understand the subtle sexual undertones, and wanted to help them appreciate the true nature of the song. I mean, it’s a lot easier to understand what “Ah sugar, ah honey honey you are my candy girl and you got me wanting you” means when you rephrase it as “Honey, I got a lot of money, could you be my nasty girl and let me do that dirty dance witchu.” Agreed?

Top 40
Song #14: La La by Ashlee Simpson
You make me wanna lala in the kitchen on the floor
I’ll be your French maid where I meet you at the door
I’m like an alley cat
Drink the milk up I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream

Alright, though I find this song absolutely delightful and addictive, I have to say that it’s also equally as degrading as any song I’ve heard from the rap/hip hop genre recently. Basically, Ashlee Simpson is saying that she finds you so terribly attractive that just being around you makes her want to show you her O face (don’t get it? Rent Office Space.) She’ll do you anywhere, any time, any place. Just tell her how you want it, and she’ll do it. In fact, isn’t her hubby supposed to be a vegetarian? So shouldn’t that alley cat line be a little…you know, inappropriate? I’m assuming that you can figure out what she’s “drink[ing] up”But hey, if she loves it that much, I’m sure Pete Wentz will take that bullet. 

Song #15: Crank That – Soulja Boy
Super Man Dat Ho
Then Watch me Crank Dat Robocop?
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock
Jocking On Them Haterz Man
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance
(Now You)
I’m Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin
Then I’m Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party
Yes I Crank It Everyday
Haterz Get Mad Cuz
“I Got Me Some Bathin Apes”
Soulja Boy Off In This Ho
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja
Then Super Man Dat Ho

Ah, youth. What I love about this song is that not only is this a dance that children of all ages can do (I’ve heard of a preschool class learning of it. Actually, I’m 100% sure that they learned it. From one of my friend’s mom.) but it’s written by one of the youngest songwriters of all time. Soulja Boy was only 17 when it became a hit, although he had written long before. So let’s explain exactly what this youngster is talking about in his filthy, filthy song. I had actually planned on publishing this with all of the gory details, but I called a play change in the last seconds before the snap. Meaning that I couldn’t bring myself to hit “publish” with these words on the screen. Therefore, I’ve instead made a list of the terms that you should look up on www.urbandictionary.com. For your homework, please search the following: “superman,” “crank dat,” and “robocop.” Extra credit for writing them in example sentences. Educate thyself. 

Song #16: Wannabe by the Spice Girls
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is. 
So here’s a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me
you gotta listen carefully
We got Em in the place who likes it in your face,
we got G like MC who likes it on an
Easy V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady,
and as for me..ah you’ll see,
Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and wind it all around.

This song is simply riddled with double entendres. Did I know this when I was 9 years old and was given this album as my very first CD? OMG, of course not. I mean, I understood that The Lady Is A Vamp song was scandalous, but the subtleties of this song were lost on me. Let’s look at the above type. How many of us ladies have ever had a guy take and not give in return? Yeah, that’s what I thought. The Spice Girls are not going to put up with that. We’ll help you out, but damn it, you’d better help us out, too. None of that “I don’t know how, but I really appreciate you doing it for me” crap. I’ll be honest and say that I’m not 100% sure about what all of the rapping section means…but I do know that Easy V not coming for free means one of two things: 1. She expects the guy to take her out for a nice evening before he actually “takes” her (and David Beckham has the means to do it) and 2. She’s a hooker. With Mel B, clearly she is very into exchanging DNA, but who knows what SHE likes? There is a way to find out. All you have to do is slam your body down and wind it aaaaaall around. Sexay.

Song #17: Kiss From A Rose – Seal
There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill.
But did you know, That when it snows,
My eyes become large and The light that you shine can be seen.
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave.
Ooh,The more I get of you,
The stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the grave.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say. You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you’re like a growing addiction that I can’t deny.

And here it is. The song that inspired the blog. When I was in high school, we were taught how to analyze poetry. There are a few ultimate truths in poetry. A flower, for example, will always always represent sex, or a woman’s “gift.” My friend and I somehow ended up discovering the truth about this song by way of this analyzing tactic, as songs are simply poems set to a tune. We’ll go slowly. Line by line.

• A graying tower alone on the sea means he’s turned on alone, creating his own waves in his waterbed at night.
• Love remained a drug that’s the high means that he enjoys being in love, and probably making love as well. 
• The completion of a sexual act, spreading the seed, the achievement of the American dream, whatever, is when it snows.
• I think that his eyes come alive because in reality he’s falling in love with a woman, the light you shine is actually the reality that this woman cares about him. And who isn’t in love with a person who is in love with them?
• A kiss from a rose on the grave, otherwise known as the title of the song, is basically referring to deflowering someone when you’re not a virgin yourself. The grave is the “let down” time after an orgasm, and if you’ve had an orgasm, you’re probably not so much a virgin, not completely anyway.
• And now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grave. = Now that you’re old enough to do it, we’re totally going to have sex, and I’m ready even though I’ve had an orgasm before and you maybe haven’t. Woot.
• I’m pretty sure that if there is so much a man can tell you, it must be about sex, or you can just read a book instead. Actually, you can just read a book for the sex info, too…so Seal lied. I don’t need a man’s knowledge, but I do like other things they have.
• What is sex if it’s not power, pleasure, and pain?
• A grown addition that I can’t deny is a topic that we might want to ask David Duchovny about.

Well, that’s it, folks. It’s been a long, hard point to make, but I think that I’ve finally reached the end of this dark tunnel. Time to…slip the pencil into the wallet, put the car in the garage, . Okay I’m done now. But seriously. Now that you know that all your favorite songs are scandalous, you might as well listen to the blatantly dirty ones as well. I recommend “Control” by Nine Inch Nails, “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo” by the Bloodhound Gang, and “Hot White C**” by Liz Phair. 

PS: I think you all should know that this article took forever to research and finish, but I enjoyed the researching. I have increased my sexual vocabulary, which I didn’t think was possible. You learn one new thing every day, I guess…I found this while doing research. My favorites that I didn’t get to use are:

• The Blitzkrieg Bop
• chim chiminy, chim chiminy, chim chim charoo
• doing the no-pants dance
• doing the oompa loompa
• fig leaf removing
• Hunting the Chukaberra
• insert tab A into slot B (DIY has never been so hott.)
• insider trading (ex. “Let’s make like Enron and do some insider trading.”)
• playing with dinosaurs
• snoo snoo
• the magical embrace

Fabulous. http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Sexual_innuendo