What No One Wants To Know

Let’s assume for this blog that soulmates actually exist. If you can believe in our judicial system, surely you can believe this for a few minutes.

With the rise of the Internet as a way to express yourself and to communicate with other human beings without actually having to see them or even hear the grating noise of their voice, many things have changed. Emails are incredibly common in any workplace, though the quality has gone downhill. Not to mention the fact that text messages are even worse than that. What? Who told me that? Oh, I-d-k, my-bff-jill?

This online hook-up phenomenon sparked interest with not only the television side of entertainment, but with musicians as well. Most notably, Gym Class Heroes (a personal favorite of mine, I must admit) has made quite a hit of their own ode to Internet romance. For the sake of organization, I’ll be outlining my points in the order of the song’s verses.

Verse One: “My man Tom introduced us but I was too shy to say hi”

Are you really going to meet your future spouse under “new people” on the Myspace homepage? I think not. But maybe you’re one of the ones who only adds people who know someone that you know. But how far will that go? Is your date the friend of a friend of a friend that you added only because you noticed that on Zac Efron’s page she “totally loved him in hairspray, even thought I though he was a total douche bag in high school musical?” Maybe that’s not the best choice.

Verse Two: “I was on this website late night lurking”

You really want to date someone who found you through surfing around on the Internet because they don’t have anything better to do?
But I’m the one who asked them out…
Oh wait, you asked them out?
Yeah, and I have a life…I mean, I went to a D&D tourney later, and then-
Well, I mean, I’m sure you had something better to do…but do you think that THEY want to go out with someone who was stalking them online?
She said she likes it when people watch. She even gave me directions to the roof across from her window, I’m supposed to go over there tonight with my WiFicard.
Oh…they’re into that…well. Good for you.

Verse Two-Point-Five: “You must’ve saw something you liked when you was skimming through my profile”

Ah, yes. What better way to test romantic/life compatibility than through the profile “getting to know you” questions. Facebook did you a great service, to be sure, when they decided to allow people to post their most favorite movies. Because clearly, if you both love Boondock Saints and hate The Sound of Music, you’re meant to be together forever. Also, I’m sure that it makes it a lot easier for you to weed out those “Dave Matthews haters,” as you love him like no other. Of course, you’re not really sure why you would have a favorite book…unless it’s Cosmo. A magazine’s a book, right? Finally, once you find someone with “Kevin Smith” as her religion, you’ll never look at another man again. Or woman. Or sheep.

Verse Almost-Three: “And now I’m emailing my love a dozen digital roses”

Yep. Now you can spend $0 to woo someone. This makes it a lot easier to maintain multiple relationships Just make sure that you don’t accidentally send Rachel’s “Happy 21st Birthday, let’s get wasted!” e-card to Maria, to whom you intended to send a “Sorry I gave you VD” e-teddy bear, that would really suck.

Verse Three: “Let’s face it, it’s a sad situation when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations”

EVEN GYM CLASS HEROES KNOWS that this is a shit idea. Whatever happened to walking up to someone and saying, “I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies?” I mean, how did those sleazy reality-pick up lines change into just-as-sleazy internet pick up lines like, “I’ve lost my personal porno website URL, can I have yours?”

Verse Three-Point-Five: “On a scale of 1 to awesome I’m the shit.”

I just fucking love this line. Use it in everyday convo. Just get over it.

Verse Four: “Who cares if we don’t know each other’s last name
All I know is that I’m smittin with your pictures wishing you would feel the same”

YES! I understand now! Instead of having to get up off your lazy American ass and try to not look like you’re checking out a woman in a bar, you can successfully judge a woman on her looks in the pictures she chooses to display on her website without the fear of getting caught. Unless, of course, your mom walks in to get your laundry. By the way, dude, you’re thirty-five years old. Do your own damn laundry before your mom sprains her back. And if you don’t know this chick’s last name, then there’s no chance of you recognizing your bastard children in a few years as they buy their school supplies from you at Wal-Mart, where you stick a smiley-face sticker on a kid with red hair and high cheekbones just like you mom’s.

Okay, America, go ahead. Find yourself a mate online. Great idea. But when a study comes out in 20 years about how 85% of all marriages that were the result of an online hookup ended in divorce, remember what I said. And by the way, the divorce lawyers of the future thank you. I know some. They’re psyched.