That’s right, she’s not.
And yes, I can already hear you protesting. You’ve been reading those statistics again, haven’t you?
Try, try, TRY to remember back to that Statistics class you had in college. Why do we have a margin or error? Because most studies have volunteers, and volunteers will give you a skewed version of the truth? Yes, that’s it. I should know. I just aced the quiz.
The statistics mean jack, especially since we’re not talking about the entire teen population, we’re talking about YOUR daughter. And YOUR daughter is sexually active.
Now, I know that you’re sitting here thinking
No way is my daughter having sex! There are so many signs that she’s a virgin!
Please, allow me to debunk some of these so-called common assurances that your child is not having sex.
1. My daughter signed a pledge at church to wait until marriage.
That’s great. I’m sure that when your ten-year-old came home waving her pledge card, the two of you ran right out to the closest Christian book store and bought a promise ring that she’ll never take off until she gets married in that pure white gown. Oh, I’m sure she still wears the ring, and I’m positive her gown will be white, but symbols like that have lost their meaning in today’s world. This is because the commitment to wait until marriage was cheapened by sucking the kids in when they still thought that boys smelled gross and going to third base meant you were really good at softball. Now that their taste buds have changed, they’re up for trying a variety of new flavors, all of which can be found in a dispenser in the bathroom of those trashy Travel Plazas.
2. My daughter hasn’t ever had a long-term boyfriend.
You may not think that your daughter has ever had a boyfriend. But she has. I remember my first boyfriend…we had matching costumes for my preschool Halloween party. And then, the next year in Morning Kindergarten, I had my first kiss, on the playground with my boyfriend Alex. My best friend Ruthie and I were the best sharers in the whole class, and I didn’t mind one bit when Alex spent some time with Ruthie after our kiss. After all, she WAS his other girlfriend. If it took a five-year-old a couple of hours to give up her first kiss to a guy who had more than one girlfriend, then how much negotiating do you think it would take to get a sixteen year old to put out for a guy she’s known for a couple years? Oh, and he thinks she’s really cute. And funny.
3. My daughter would have told me if she was thinking about taking that step.
Yeah, I know you had that little heart-to-heart with her when she was thirteen, and she’s probably read Our Bodies Our Selves so much that the binding’s coming off. The cold, hard truth is that even if she actually still graces you with her presence at family dinners and hasn’t decided that family vacations are “so nineties,” she’s still not going to tell you that she’s thinking about cashing in her V-card. Why? Because the last thing she wants to spend her Thursday night doing is practice putting condoms on bananas and discussing the different ways to recognize crabs or VD when they’re slipping it on to their partner of choice. Also, if you’re going to talk to them about the pleasures of sex, then you’ve had it. Probably more than just the one awkward time that your daughter was conceived. And no kid wants to think about that.
Yes, I can still see your thoughts, and you think you’ve got this rap beat with your “proof.” You are currently thinking:
Oh Thank GOD my daughter couldn’t be having sex. I should know. All her friends are incredibly responsible young men who would never degrade my princess in that way. Why, earlier tonight, Ashley had her little friend Dylan over and absolutely nothing shady happened! When I pulled into the circle drive, the lights were on in the living room, and when I went into the house, she was sitting all the way across the room in a chair while he was relaxing on the couch. They were just watching Love Actually and talking about school.
That’s so sweet. And naïve. You’re looking at the scene and taking it at face value.
Let’s rewind and look at it through the eyes of an experienced teen.
~When you drove up into your beloved circle drive, your headlights shone through the front window, and all those annoying acorns crunched under your tires. This gave your daughter and her “friend” plenty of warning that you were home.
~The lights were on, and you assumed that meant that they had nothing to hide. No, if they had nothing to hide, the blinds wouldn’t be pulled down all over the house. These are teenagers. Teen boys are not that adept at removing the opposite sex’s undergarments without looking, let alone able to put on a condom in the dark. Plus, they’re teenagers. They have years before mood lighting becomes a necessity to hide wrinkles and love handles.
~She was in the chair across the room. Okay. Like I said, there was plenty of time for her to leap off of young Dylan’s lap and bolt across the room to the recliner. She had a blanket over her legs, right? This was not because she was cold, this was because she didn’t want you to see the creases from her skirt being hiked up past her hips. And I’d be willing to bet that you thought they were talking about school because Dylan had a Physics book on his lap. Nope. Now that you’ve spoiled their fun, this Physics book will now double as both a disguise for the tent he’s made in his own blanket, as well as an answer to the age-old question: Are blue balls an actual medical emergency?
~Also, you may have noticed the little pink doll outfit that your youngest daughter must have left lying out on the floor. It was so nice of you to pretend that you’re not anal retentive by restraining yourself from plucking it from under the couch in front of your daughter’s friend. Too bad it won’t be there tomorrow morning, because it’s your daughter’s Victoria’s Secret panties.
~Finally, I am so very disappointed in you. They were watching Love Actually. Even if you were not aware that there are several scenes in which a nude couple simulates various sexual positions, the title of the movie is LOVE ACTUALLY. No straight man will watch this film with a girl who is just a friend, at least not where someone else might see him. There’s something going on here.
Now that you’ve realized that your child has been mattress dancing, I’m sure you would like to talk this over with her. Just remember that when you were a teenager, things were different. Your kid is probably being smarter, unless you’re a big advocate for abstinence-only sex education, in which case you might want to get her tested.
Also, no matter what you tell your daughter, no matter how “cool” you manage to sound when you tell her you just want to make sure she’s being safe and that she isn’t being pressured into anything, she will deny it. She will deny, deny, deny that she ever had sex in your house until the day that she dies.
Which reminds me…
By the way, Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this, we really were just watching the movie. I promise. And…well, you know that I was never any good with science, so he was explaining the Trans-Luminal State theory to me. I never would have passed Physics 2 without him, I mean, that’s why he and I spent all those hours after school in my room studying the why and how that bodies in motion stayed in motion…
Your teenage daughter is not a virgin.
She might even be a whore (this is usually 3+ different “friends” coming over for movie night a month).
Do you think anyone really wants to know that? I don’t.
Lanza Said:
on July 7, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Gosh..I know what your saying must sound horrifying to others, but as I was reading it I began to shake my head as if I were sitting in a pew at church. I am a mother of a teenage daughter who I indeed thought would abstain from any sexual activity until she was married, I honestly believed that in my heart ( I have talked about sex with her since she was 2). Well I am realizing her chances of staying a virgin until she is married is as good as my chances winning the lottery. I am not sure if she has has intercourse, but I know for a fact she is sexually active ( I am sure everyone knows there is a difference). I realize now that there is now way she would ever be as honest with me as I thought she would. As a matter of fact she swore up and down she was not sexually active ( the child even put her hand on the bible, swore on my life and her fathers), and would even make faces if someone mentioned the word sex. I had to go to other sources for the information, and I found out something that truly crushed my heart, yup she was lying. I had to know, not to just know, but I had to make sure she is taken care of. These kids are slick..and in my mind I am thinking where could she have possible gone to do this, she never goes anywhere…ahaha, they are sneaky lil boogers, you would be as suprised as I was.
Any parent who is willing to go to the extreme to check on their kids ( I say GO FIGHT WIN to those parents)…be prepared what you are going to find. A lot of parents who are insisting that your child will abstain ( I know in some, very small, cases it might be), look further, don’t just take their word for it. Remember when you were blessed with this child, everything else in this world went to the back burner. It is your duty to invest ALL your time in this child if you have to!
Happy go lucky Said:
on September 23, 2008 at 3:49 pm
whats so wrong with teenage girls having sex? as long as she and her partner use protection its normal for her to explore her body. life is short the more sex the better I say?
*Becca Said:
on January 29, 2009 at 4:17 am
Okay, I’ll just say this much i’m not a mother but i am a daughter. and i wish my parents would have talked to me about sex before i had sex i had, and the bad part is now that i’ve had sex and my mom knows about it she tries to give me the sex talk. i think it’s retarded and parents should pay more attention to there surroundings. And now me and my financee are getting married soon and she’s talking about me having sex before marriage. I think she’s a little late! haha.
I think the whole thing about promise rings and white gowns and abstinence is total BS. Because i had this friend that was having sex more on a weekly basis than i was. and than on her myspace page it said “abstinence till god find my true love” I’m pretty sure i’d watch out for who you let your kids hang out with i mean you can never judge a book by it’s cover. Cause i’ve had badass looking friends who turn out to be the nicest non conforming people i know. and i’ve had the most christian type friends that are faker than anyone could imagine.
So i mean. I think theres nothing really wrong with teenage girls having sex. i just think you need to explain the responsibilities that go along with it.
so cute Said:
on February 5, 2009 at 7:23 pm
ok so for me i just had sex for the first time my mom doesnt noe but anyways i thnk as long as its protected it should be fine
as if they never did the same when they were kids.
Kacy Said:
on February 26, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Okay, so speaking of sex as a teenager-I’m 18 and lost my virginity recently to my boyfriend and have no clue how to break it to my mother. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and my mother has a good relationship with him. My mom and I are very close. This is something I cannot hide from her. She’s such a great person to me, and I cannot picture her getting mad…only disappointed. So i’m asking for your help. I desperately need this! How should I break it to her? Thanks for taking the time to help.
-Kacy
Rose Said:
on April 18, 2009 at 4:01 pm
To the 18 year old.
PLEASE
You’re 18.
These days you’re a loser if you’re a 15 year old virgin.
Seriously, you’re 18..
Arielle Said:
on June 2, 2009 at 7:31 pm
May I take a moment to remind everyone that as time progresses, so too does the life span of the human species.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “adults” complaining about how “kids just keep having sex earlier and earlier these days”.
From a historical standpoint this is obviously a false theory. I can understand why parents would like to believe their kids will stay virgins ’til marrage, and the concept wouldn’t be at fault at all if it were a few hundred years ago. Of course back then children were christened as adults by the age of 13 and were married shortly after; as young as 15 years old.
In today’s society it’s typical for people to remain unmarried until they’re in thier 30’s.
On another note, is it truely better to stay abstinent ’til marrage whan nearly half of all American marrages end in divorce? Somehow 3 or 4 mates unmarried doesn’t seem as bad as 3 or 4 divorces, which is sadly not uncommon is America.
I can hardly speak for other countries but from what I understand Europians are much more comfortable with their sexuality than Americans. I think that our unwillingness to adapt to a changing world is to blame. We’re constantly exposed provacative programming and advirtisements in the media and yet most parents constantly attempt to shove the morality of abstinance down thier throats. A morality fabricated entirely by tradition and in part, christianity. That isn’t to say religion is bad, but in my opinion worship has little place in the bedroom.
I believe that parents should see sex for exactly what it is, the most intimate of all human interaction. Sex should be reserved only for those who we trust and love. Not an “evil” act with the fears of pregnancy and STDs tacked on.
America most definantly has an immiture understanding of sex; this is not a problem that can’t be resolved.
If it were up to me I would have children be taught about sex from an early age as I was. I would also demand that sex education in schools be taught by therapists, both those of mental health and of sexuality. That way Americans would have a much better perspective of the nature of sex.
I am 19 years old and my mother just found out I’m not a virgin.
Arielle Said:
on June 2, 2009 at 7:32 pm
but that’s another story all together…
jack Said:
on August 15, 2009 at 1:12 pm
hi, im 15 and recently lost my virginity. my girlfriend is 16 and her mum found out shortly after we had intercourse. her mum was dissapointed but her dad was extremley angry. it annoys me because all my friends parents let their kids have sex at 15 with complete randoms “aslong as your safe”. but me and my girlfriend truely love each other and have for 6months, but when we did the deed safly, and loved each other. her parents were still really angry.
terrified Said:
on August 22, 2009 at 9:30 pm
hi, im not sure this is completely on subject, but whatever, google says it is lol
im 15 and have been with my almost 15 yr old gf for 11 months
a pretty stable, loving relationship to be fair, i love her very much and resisted her approachs (thats right , hers) for the first 6 months of our relationship as i wasnt ready and i feel it may have ruined everything
we lost our virginity (s) on valentine’s day, and have been having sex about once a week since then, always safe and with protection
unfortunately her mum just found out and went mental and has rang my mum: im now grounded but even worse i have to go apologise to parents at their family party tomorrow
how on earth do i do this?!
im terrified im gonna come out with far fewer teeth than when i went in :s
Maddie Said:
on October 12, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Okay so im not a virgin anymore and i wanna tell my mom but i dont know how to tell her she knows that i can tell her anything but i think this is a lil more bigger then anything else i dont want this to mess up our relationship but i have a feeling that it will wht should i do.????